The Case For Intercoms in Cars

Posted on February 26, 2010

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…Despite the obvious huge financial issues!

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Hands up who drives here? Uh huh, I see. And if you can just bear with my invisible questioning for a moment now, what do you all hate about driving? Is it the potholes? Undoubtedly. The windy roads? Certainly. The slow drivers? Inevitably (unless of course you ARE one of them). The hay bales falling from a truck in front of your car? Actually that one’s probably just me.

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But no, worse than all of these things put together, in my opinion, is the tailgater. To borrow a phrase off a blog I read recently, what really boils my piss, is a tailgater, most commonly practiced by jeep drivers, van drivers and pretty much any car with an engine bigger than 1.8, with either a BMW or Merc icon on the car somewhere. I mean, come on! You know you’re too close to me. You know you’re being ignorant. You’re probably enjoying it.

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My response is always to give at least two good hard darts of the brakes. That usually gets them to slack off on their accelerators.

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But every so often you get a thick one. One that sees you hitting the brakes and thinks you’re playing chicken with them or something. I’m NOT playing chicken, you moron, I’m doing the equivalent to tying a red ribbon on a horse’s tail. Get back, or I’ll kick.

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Which is where my idea for an intercom system in cars comes in. Ok, so everyone knows it’s barking mad, will never happen and we couldn’t afford it anyway. Plus it would become more of a threat than using a mobile phone while driving because the opportunity for shits and giggles would eventually overcome every and all users.

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But, if Doctor Who fans among us cast their minds back to the series 3 episode Gridlock, set in the underground motorway, with the moving caravan things that had hooked up intercom, you’ll see my point. Remember the scene where Ardal O’Hanlon, playing a feline version of Fr. Dougal rings up the two lesbian ould ones in a caravan further up the way? Yes? No? Well, go re-watch it, I couldn’t find a clip. That’s partly where my idea comes from and as I drove part of the way to Dublin today, I couldn’t help thinking that despite the propensity for it to provoke sheer tomfoolery and chaos, it still wouldn’t be a bad idea.

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The following would be an example of the conversation:

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Hello, person driving the silver Mondeo. This is the person driving the silver Polo in front of you. Now, you know you’re driving too close to me. If I brake suddenly, like this (brake), or this (brake), but you know, a bit more suddenly even then that, you’re going to end up in my boot. And that’ll make me very unhappy. So either BACK OFF or pass me out but STOP SCRAPING THE PAINT OF MY BUMPER!

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It’d be a much easier way of alerting people of their misgivings on the road. It wouldn’t be nearly as much fun as seeing the panic on their faces when you dart on the brakes though.